Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
