saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
