Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
