He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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