She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
my liver is dry heaving
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
