i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
