DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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