i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
