I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
