I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
