I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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