im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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