I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
