3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
