In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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