my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
