He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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