So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
