I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
