yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
