My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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