I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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