I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
