my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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