that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
