At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
