see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
