also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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