Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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