Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
