she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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