My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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