i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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