Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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