i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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