I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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