LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
