The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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