If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
