I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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