Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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