I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
