i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
