the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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