you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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