She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
