i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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