who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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