Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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