Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
