Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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