Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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