How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
