Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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