When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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