somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i love accidental penises.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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