I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
