btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
