Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
