Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
