I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
